I used to think if you wish something hard enough, if you want something bad enough, if you work for it, you’ll eventually get it. That the universe will eventually put it in your path. No matter how unlikely it seems. But as time goes, I find it more and more to not be true. You can’t want a thing, a person, a place. You can’t want a materialistic thing, wether it’s a thing or a person or a goal, you can only wish and long for a concept. You can long for success, for love, for happiness and then you have the chance to define it in every moment. One day success is getting accepted to university and on a different day success is being able to smile. Some day love is aimlessly walking hand in hand down the streets, one day it’s feeling the cool fall breeze on your skin. Some day pain is losing your favourite earings, and on a different day it’s failing to be there for a loved one’s special day. That’s the beauty and at the same time challenge of life, that you get to choose the definition of literally everything at every moment. Wether you consciously choose or not, a choice is made, and you will deal with the aftermath of that choice.
Roshanak A. [Dec-06-2016]
I came across this note in my notes a few days ago, while looking for a note I vaguely rememebered included the word “concept.” It’s been such a long mental journey since then that I don’t remember what I was looking for then at all.
This note is made a couple of months before many changes began to happen. I was living at Glenlake with the Bennetts at the time. About to go to Buckyball for the first time, about to move into Pembroke.
I still remember the feelings of that fall very distinctly
Nights of getting high and walking in high park
or sitting on top of the park across the house when a walk was too much
Listening to music or talking to the parentless boy who lived in the basement
It was on one of those fall days as I was walking down Glenlake and the cool breeze was rustling the many colors of leaves along the sidewalk down the hill.
My face felt like a leaf
The feeling was not describeable
Alan Watts
I had this feeling of okay-ness while fully aware of the sorrow I had inside
I was deightfully surprised as I noticed the sadness didn’t do anything to the okay-ness
I was searching inside to describe the feeling
I couldn’t call it happy, glad, or even joyous
Not even content
It didn’t have a word and it still doesn’t
But I can remember the feeling
And I remember what my eyes saw and how my skin felt and my steps on the concrete hill
The only other time I can connect that feeling to is that random day in London
When I was on the toilet with the door open
And suddenly I said
I have this feeling inside that I wish I could make everyone feel
It’s so calm and quiet
I guess this was all a preface to get to the point that it was a quick and passing realization in my head.
When I fell in love, that February or March or something, it was not the object of my love that made the difference, the significant difference.
It was me. It was how open I was to the feeling of love. The love that COULD be felt inside me was massive because the inside of me was massive.
I fell in love with love itself. It was the time.
I remember saying at some point that “how could it be that he could be the right person and this the wrong time?”
And time turned and turned and he turned too, turned into the wrong person but at the right time.
Which brings me back to what I felt after a fateful fall and in the December of 2016
That you can’t want a person or a thing
The relativity, the fluidity, the un-pinnable-ness will stop you from having anything
Afterall, you can’t stop dancing to impermanence
Is that not so?