LOVE ME TILL I’M ME AGAIN

I am not sure how many times
I have taken a picture of that red neon sign
I wonder if I was swallowing tears every time
It's one of those sentences that if you are saying it 
it means it's already been deemed impossible
I still remember the feeling in my eyes
and my gaze through the windshield
sometimes covered in rin drops
always at night
You wouldn't see a sign like that
in day light anyways

In the passenger seat
of an old little car 
behind the red lights
I took picture after picture 
of my heart's yearning
LOVE ME TILL I'M ME AGAIN

********

Between November 2019 to November 2020
much had changed
multiple dyings
more endings than could be counted
time is a bizzare thing
bizzare things are rarely linear
or straight
in any shape or form 

********

I do try 
to not echo back in time too much
You know, depression and rumination wise
"all memory is a form of regurgitation of undigested experience" (Alan Watts)
But I must say, 
On my first birthday after the separation 
that guy was already with someone 
On his birthday,
I did a long workout 
I moved as much as I could 
I tried to forget what day it was 
as much as I could 
I'm not sure what that guy did on my day of birth the year after that 
But on his day
I went to the Immersive Klimt show 
stumbling around high on mushrooms 
I watched the Klimt paintings 
dance on the wall 
to what I would identify as 
heartbreaking music
if I remember correctly
I kept swallowing tears as
The Kiss
passed in front of my eyes
On the way out 
I grabbed 
my complimentary poster
The Kiss
the one that guy 
"was planning to keep"

Shall we go on?
The year after the second year
I saw that guy 
on the day of his birth 
at a musical event 
The look of surprise on our faces
"do you come here often?"
"I do"
The invitation to a violent fire
The skull by the fire
Mud and rainboots
rushing back 
having a small bladder
his house
sleeping frenemies
silence inside and outside
a last hug goodbye
his eyes, his shimmering eyes
and his sheepish smile
How was I to know what was to come?
But I could feel it
In the air
in the word
in the sound of his name
with that accent
Somehow I always know 
the worst things there are to know

********

*grabs self from the bottom of the pit of victimhood*
sitting at the edge of the hole
ponder human connection
ponder existence 
wait it out
it does end
it does.