I had never fallen to my knees before

The first time I walked back
into the only place that I had called home
I fell to my knees.

You must know 
I had never fallen to my knees before
Not when my father disowned me 
Not when I was cuffed 
at the dirt border road between two countries
Not when I was locked up 
I had never fallen to my knees.

But that day
when I walked in
and my cats came to the door
I fell to my knees
in a way I never knew was possible
And I bent in half 
my body bent and twisted
on the cold tiles of that kitchen

But at least 
my cats were there
my babies
slightly concerned about my sobs.
I had never 
fallen 
to my knees 
before. 

Jan-09-2023
(From a voice recording while sobbing behind the wheel) 

I don't know if I will ever be able to forget or forgive myself for losing them. 
I can't forget the morning I woke up with this feeling running through me
This feeling that said Pishi needs me, right now 
And I couldn't calm myself down, I couldn't stop crying
My hands reached for anything that could help me, that could help my Pishi 
I couldn't find anything 
I closed my eyes
In the darkness that was my soul
I reached my dark hands to Pishi's green eyes 
And I started talking to her
"Pishi joonam 
It will all be okay
Don't be afraid my love 
If I can do it, if I can go on, so can you 
You have your Minou (and I don't)
Be strong my love, you can do it
I will always have you in my heart
Even when you can't see me, I am with you 
Wrap yourself in my blanket 
Feel me be with you 
Natars my love
we will be together again 
on the other side my love."

I don't remember much after
I forced myself out of the twisted and tear-stained sheets
A quiet walk
I washed my face before looking in the mirror 
And then I gazed at the red puffy eyes staring at me 
I wash the tears forming in my eyes
Again 
and again
and again. 

I walk to the yard 
and light a cigarette 
as I think about my new year's resolution
"to not start the day with a cigarette."

Oct-02-2024